On February 20, 2016, I woke up, as most humans tend to do, except that I was frozen to my bed. Unable, or unwilling, to move. My palms were sweaty. The back of my neck was hot. I was breathing rapidly. This had unfortunately had become my routine; I was having another panic attack.
This day roughly marked a month of this routine. Most people after day 5 of this routine would logically think to themselves "I really hate this, something needs to change," but me, not wanting to be burdensome to my own emotions, decided that another 25 days of this would be polite and really let me know if I in fact do like this or not. Day 30 told me the same information that Day 1 did, which is that I really do not like this and something needed to change.
I impulsively, as most decisions in my life are, decided to reconnect with a childhood activity I really loved. Drawing. And so I reached to my nightstand, grabbed my Nexus 7 tablet, and decided to draw about my favorite sports team Arsenal.
I was going to set a daily routine, something to look forward to, and draw Arsenal every day for a year. I would post this online as a way to prove to myself that I can do something, people can look at it, and it doesn't have to be perfect.
What Poorly Drawn Arsenal has meant to me has always been hard for me to explain. Partly because, as my teacher when I was 10 years old explained (with negative intentions): "Jacob is a bit of a renaissance man. He has a lot of interests and thus struggles with putting his thoughts into written word."
And while there is some truth in that, either because it's something I actually struggle with or these are the standards that were put on me at 10 years old by a teacher and I've carried that through my entire life, let me try.
This project was born out of a moment of crisis for me. While Poorly Drawn Arsenal is not the sole reason I’ve gotten better, I did go to therapy and address the underlying issues, it has always been a reminder to me. A reminder that I can make something and it doesn’t have to be perfect or even good. That I can post that unfinished thing online, people can see it, and that’s okay. That I myself can be unfinished, people can see that, and that is okay.
I’ve gotten a lot out of Poorly Drawn Arsenal over the years. More than I would have ever dreamed of. I’ve won awards, met players, toured London Colney, met Win, done work for the club, done work for Adidas, been in the NYTimes (technically it was The Athletic but gonna call that a win). I don't feel the need to accomplish more. At this point, I think the most useful service that Poorly Drawn Arsenal can provide is that someone out there reading this, struggling in the way that I struggled, has realized that there's a path out of that cave.
To clarify, the path doesn't have to involve silly doodles. But, if this helps one person realize that it gets better, that you don't have to wake up to a panic attack every morning or however your demons are manifesting themselves, and that I am proof that you can get out, then I've done my part.
As a quick aside, while I'm honored to have done all the things I have with Poorly Drawn Arsenal, the one thing I treasure the most is the people. The community around Arsenal is truly special, both online and in person. Online it reminds me of what the promise of what the internet is supposed to be. A place to find like-minded people to fill a void that you might not be able to find locally.
Bare with me here for a second, but I just read a book about the Enshittification of the internet. For those unfamiliar with the term, it's basically the process of services maximizing profits over user experience. I fear this is happening to our sport. As the absolutely blind optimist that I am, I believe, perhaps foolishly, that the Arsenal community has the ability to keep our club in check. It's becoming harder, but we've done it before. The people are what makes the club what it is.
To wrap this up, thank you for following along for the last ten years. In the last 10 years I've gone through a break up, met a girl, lost a dog, lost a cat, got a dog, got two cats, proposed to the girl, married the girl, and as of this week we are on the waiting list to adopt a baby in the next year or so. This has been a truly humbling experience. Thank you so much for being here.
Finally, to my fifth grade teacher, I hope this is okay.
Reading this back, I realize that this sounds like I’m ending this project. And while I don’t know how much longer I will be doing this, I am still having fun. I’ve done a lot of performing of comedy over my life, I was on a Saturday night house team for 7 years, and one of the things they instill in you is this concept of “follow the fun.” I'm still having fun and I'll keep following it.
React to this
Share the newsletter: tell your friends (or your enemies) about it.
Buy some merch: I put a lot of my drawings onto shirts, mugs, posters, stickers, etc. This helps keeps the lights on at PDA Headquarters and you get something in return. Neat!
Leave a Comment: leaving a comment just lets me know that you like what I’m doing which is sometimes hard to know when you are sending out emails into the ether.
