Arsenal have formally announced the end of their shirt sleeve sponsorship with Visit Rwanda. Everyone is wondering, who will take over that sponsorship spot on our sleeve. Will it be a large tech corporation with questionable morals? Will it be a financial institution with questionable morals? Or will it be a betting company with questionable morals?
Well, I'm happy to announce that I have done some sleuthing through the air ducts above the board meeting room at the Emirates Stadium and have come away with an exclusive list of who Arsenal is courting for their next sponsorship.
Ben White's Golden Thighs
An early front runner at the club and a partnership that they are eager to solidify on their arms by next season is Ben White's Golden Thighs. We all are well aware of Ben White's contributions on the pitch, but the energy that he uses to run up and down the wing seems to be directly correlated to how much time he spends in the sun. As a result, he is arguably the most golden man in the Premier League if not in the entire sport.
Advertising his golden thighs on our sleeves would not only provide a fair amount of money into the club but would also distract the opposition. I've heard that the possibility of distracting the opposition with Ben White's Golden Thighs is specifically why the club wants to sign on the dotted line sooner rather than later.
Mikel Arteta's Hairspray
In the same way that Ben White charges up his energy from the sun, Mikel Arteta's tactical knowledge grows with each molecule of hairspray used on his head. That's why this partnership possibility is so intriguing to the higher ups at the club. If the club could figure out 2X the molecular input into Mikel's hair thus growing his tactical knowledge at a faster rate than natural human production, it would only have positive benefits for the team. There remains some skepticism from those on the board if this is healthy for the long term health of Mikel Arteta, but (and I am paraphrasing here) it is believed that an unknown member of the board said "What's not worth a human sacrifice if not the Premier League trophy?"
Gabriel's Dental Services
Finally the last sponsorship that the club is considering is Gabriel's Dental Services. It's well documented that Gabriel has lost not one, but two teeth while playing for Arsenal. And yet, despite this tooth setback, "the man's teeth could light my third garage" again paraphrasing the unknown member of the board. This partnership is intriguing to the club from a few angles, but mainly from the philosophy of environmental sustainability. If the club could figure out how to harness the light produced from Gabriel's teeth to power the Emirates, this not only is better for the environment, but free's up the money spent to power the Emirates on a new signing or two.
So there you have it. That's the latest scoop from the air ducts above the board meeting room in the Emirates. If someone could politely email the club and let them know there is a man stuck in their air duct that would be considerably helpful.
Whatever you are doing, have a good one.
Jacob
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