How to fix Kai Havertz

Back to the regularly posted schedule

Hi,

First off, apologies that there was no newsletter last week. I came back from London and was feeling all good and dandy, then two days later I wasn’t. Turns out it was Covid, so I took the week to rest up. Feeling all good now.

Second, I was going to mention this in last week’s newsletter but I was interviewed in the Athletic about the origins of Poorly Drawn Arsenal, why I do things the way that I do, and why a Walrus is the logo. You can read that here if you wish to do so.

Anywho, Arsenal.

We had two nice wins this week. The first at home in the Champions League in a pretty dominant 2-0 win. I know the scoreline doesn’t scream dominate, but Sevilla had one shot the entire match and it happened with almost the last kick. So, that ticks the dominant scorebox for me.

The second win, also at home, was on Saturday against Burnley. There were a lot of really great moments from this match. Trossard putting his body on the line to score a goal, Saliba behaving as if the Premier League is too easy for him, and Zincenko challenging his inner Daniel LaRusso and karate-kicking the ball into the net for Arsenal’s third goal.

But, one thing I want to talk about from that match is Kai Havertz. My podcast partner, the walrus but real name Hunter, has a theory and that’s that Havertz reminds him a bit of Ben Simmons. As a Sixers fan that gives me some PTSD, but for those that don’t follow basketball, Simmons was known for being a good passer, good at driving towards the basket, good defensively, but allergic to shooting. Havertz seems to have picked up that allergy as well.

I have a theory on how to fix Havertz. The man just needs to score a goal from open play by any means necessary. I know he has a goal already but it was from a penalty. He needs the confidence of firing one in from a sequence of passes. Now, that’s a bit hard when every time you are in the box you are contemplating shooting the ball, passing it, or digging a hole in the ground so you don’t have to pick either option, but I have a proposal.

I’m proposing that we attach a ball to Kai Havertz, pick him up, and throw him across the goal line. That way he remembers the feeling of putting the ball in the net. This will unlock whatever mental block he’s having around shooting.

Now, there are some legally questionable hurdles that might stop this plan from coming to fruition. I actually looked this up which is terribly uncharacteristic of me and tossing your own teammate might be considered “plays in a dangerous manner” which would violate 12.2 on the official rule book. So, while I would recommend doing this in match, it seems like an ideal training exercise for London Colney.

This should get Havertz back on track in no time.

All the links and photos of my pets are below as per usual,

Poorly

This week’s podcast:

In this week’s Poorly Animated Arsenal Podcast we discuss pretty much everything I wrote above but in audio format and with silly animations. Fun!

Olive and Velma update:

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