Declan Rice only has one dog. Should we be concerned?

Is it a rice-ipe for disaster?
Declan Rice only has one dog. Should we be concerned?
In:

Hi there,

Arsenal have announced the signing of Declan Rice.

Let’s dive into what that means for the club.

There seems to be some concern amongst the Arsenal fan base, or perhaps just the general sportsballing world, that Arsenal have spent too much money on Declan Rice. Is he worth that much? Will he change Arsenal? Could have money have been better spent?

I don’t care about any of that. He’s good at kicking a ball. There is something though that should be raised about Declan Rice.

Declan Rice only has one dog.

In our last post, which you can watch below, we came across what the general press1 is calling concrete evidence that there is a direct correlation between how many dogs an Arsenal player owns and how much of an impact they have at Arsenal.

With Rice only having one dog that would put him on the chart.

This raises some concerns, at least on paper (which I guess you would only be reading this on paper if you print these out and read them, which please don’t do that.)

But as pointed out by various people on Twitter, Declan Rice has that dog IN him. But, how much dog? Will it be enough? Let’s figure that out. Subscribe now

Calculating how much dog Declan Rice has in him

So how do you go about measuring how much dog a person has?

First, we need to find a statistic that is most dog-like for a player that plays in the 6 role like it is expected that Rice will play at Arsenal. This role sits right in front of the defense line and on the defensive side is responsible for stopping counterattacks and breaking up the attacking play of the opposing team.

So we are looking for a defensive statistic that expresses how much courage that a player has and that’s why we are going to go with interceptions per 90 minutes. To me that expresses courage, timing, and energy levels. All things that dogs excel at.

Declan Rice averages 5.09 interceptions per 90 minutes.

But, this number doesn’t tell us how much dog is actually INSIDE of him, just how much he is outwardly expressing dog per 90 minutes. So, taking this formula I found online, that I did no research into the validity, for Estimated Average Glucose. The thinking here is that formula is used to measure something inside the body and thus can be used to measure anything inside the body. Science. Easy.

So, the formula for Estimated Average Glucose (or in this case Estimated Average Dog) is 28.7 X A1C – 46.7 = eAD (estimated Average Dog). So if we slot in Rice’s 5.09 interceptions per 90 minutes into the AIC (which is a blood test that measures your blood sugar but in this case, we are testing your internal dog level) we get 28.7 X 5.06 – 46.7 which comes out to a 98.522 eAD.

Now a normal reading for Estimated Average Glucose Dog is anywhere between 70 and 126. Rice’s 98.522 eAD puts him smack in the middle of that scale, so we can safely assume that Declan Rice has at least one full internal dog in him.

So, taking this internal dog and the external real dog that Declan Rice actually takes care of, we can put Declan Rice here on the scale of how much of an impact he will make at Arsenal.

Subscribe now

P.S. This was written in the style of and who both do amazing jobs and use actual numbers.

Olive and Velma update:

I bought a film camera this summer. Here are the pets in 35mm.

Subscribe now

In some personal news:

I spent the last two months working on this personal project.

Comments
Great! You’ve successfully signed up.
Welcome back! You've successfully signed in.
You've successfully subscribed to Poorly Drawn Arsenal.
Your link has expired.
Success! Check your email for magic link to sign-in.
Success! Your billing info has been updated.
Your billing was not updated.